My Aunt Teresa

Most all of us have one. We've all (most of us) grew up with one. Some give us gum, others give advise. Some might even do both. What I'm talking about is of corse the well known and famous, "Favorite Aunt!"
Yes you might have more than one aunt but we all have only one favorite. Like myself I have 8 aunts and they're all great! Really, I love them all. Take my aunt Jennifer and aunt Jana for example. Jen is such a sweetheart! Down to earth, funny, loves me like crazy, gives me great hair cuts, so on and so forth. Jana. Again loves me like crazy, cares about the little stuff in my life, a little bossy but hey let's face it I'm sure I needed it once in a while when I was sprouting like a little weed. Both great aunts and so are all the rest! Sandra, Denise, Robin, Julie, and Annette; I love each and every one of ya... And then there's my aunt Teresa.
Teresa "Teamer" Wilson, my most favoritest aunt there ever was. Not loved more than my other wonderful aunts. I can't seem to stress that enough. Wether because I want y'all to know that I love all my aunts to the fullest existent or because some how, somewhere my mother will find out about this blog post and will demand that I give all my aunts recognition to keep up our family image.. haha Just kidding Mom. Where ever you are reading this I want you to know I love you and that some one made me type that, but I can't find that delete button.
My aunt Teresa is so cool! I'm not just writing this post just cause today she gave me her old, fully functioning big screen TV. She just gave it to me! She done got a new fancy Blue Ray 3D TV so that made the old one undesirable. Not to me though. I don't know what it is with me but I seem to collect old crapy TVs in the hope that they'll someday work or that I'll some day use em all. Yeah I know, you think I'm strange but my PEZ collection will say otherwise. Aunt Teresa is so chill and laid back when she wants to be but also puts me in my place when I need to be. Completely obsessed with sports she named her first born, my best friend Brett after baseball legend George Brett. She loves talking about movies and sports so it makes her some one I know I can have a fun conversation with.
I know that there are a lot of great and wonderful aunts out there, even more of my own but I thought that this particular one needed a shout out. I love you Aunt Teresa!

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Waving Justin Bieber Fans

I was driving down state street bouncin to Sheryal Crowe on the radio when my eyes became distracted by something odd. I've seen this before but I guess I never really gave it a good long look at how odd it really was. A simple trip to the Provo Towne Center became a journey within my mind to answer the vast question "Who invented the Wacky Waving Inflatable Tube Man and was he or she a flat crazy person or a certified genius?"
Y'all go ahead, laugh. Chuckle at the ridiculousness of that question. Snicker at the fact that I don't post more intuitive thoughts. But before you start thinkin "Oh here goes Ryan again. Makin his jokes tryin get us laughin up a storm," just give me the benifit of the doubt and hear me out.
What in the name of heaven can be exciting about income taxes? H&R Block has nothin goin for it in the fun department what so ever. So yeah, of corse I'm gonna drive by right past it with out a second glance. But plant a thin vinyl tube man with arms, wavy hair and a painted on face in front of the building and you got yourself a second look instead of a drive by. But polish it off with a generated fan at it's feet so it can blow air up through it making it look as though it were a spoiled preteen flaying about at a Justin Bieber concert and now I might pull over to get me some income tax done!
So, tell me America, who's the crazy one?...

Howdy Y'all

People look at me funny sometimes. Not like I care or nuffin. You're probably wondering where I'm goin with all this a'int chya? Just bare with me. I'm from a lil place called Salem, Utah. It's a relativity small town but it continues to grow. Why, we even gone and got our selves a da-burn Hikes School! And a mighty fancy one at that! Now even though I'm a small town boy and like Salem a lot I don't seem to fit in. It seems quite sill. It seems kinda queer, but I'll tell ya why so listen here... I talks kinda funny...

Now what does that mean exactly you say? Well, ya see in Utah, for some reason finds it funny to talk like a redneck. Now I'm not sayin that I'm a hill billy redneck. Its just the way I talks has some what of it's own personality that I likes keepin alive. So Utah, y'all jus gonna hav ta deal wiff it ight! hahahaha I think I started noticing all this when I started realizing that Utah is obsessed with saying "you guys."
"Hey are you guys going to the movies tonight?"
"What are you guys up to?"
"Hey You Guys!"

Its weird! I don't get it! And I admit, I've even fallen in to that trend for a long time till I went to Houston, Texas selling security (which I have yet to blog about). I was saying "you guys" a lot down in ol H-Town and people would call me on it all the time. Slowly I started to fall out of that. Not because I'm a conformist in any sense, but because of two wonderfully beautiful words that have been merged together... "Y'all!"

This simple word has changed my life y'all! Fo surius! Even though I use to say it lots when I lived in Tennessee when I was younger, it has reminded me that my heart misses the south and reminds me of simpler times. I'm not blogging bout this to explain myself to the state of Utah at all. I'm more advertising the way I talk so it can sell here in Utah. And if no one buys it than it'd be they loss! Who needs grammar when y'all understand what it is I'm sayin?! Come on Utah, live a lil y'all! Embrace your inner redneck!

Y'all Come Back Na Ya Here!

Moving On

I shouldn't be feeling this way. I always knew that this is how it'd have to be and yet, still I feel this way. Is it because deep down I've always had a small shred of hope? Some sort of little idea of how things will or should be? Is it because of how I've surrounded my self with this dream that it's become hard to wake up from? All I know is I've been living in a world where I didn't feel the need to think things through because I was happy. Because I was protected by my own hopes and dreams. But I can't keep going on like this, hoping and dreaming. It's time to move on and open my eyes.
Moving on to the fact that maybe I could find happiness again some where. Not in the same place but on newer ground. Maybe things could have been different, but cruel as it may sound I feel like this is a lesson from mistakes passed. If the past were a bit different maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way. Maybe I could be happy and living the life I should and have always wanted.
But I fear there is much for me to learn and happiness doesn't wait for the poor and selfish. It bides it's time to make it's way to us all until we are ready for it's arrival. It may peek around the corner at us to see where we stand but doesn't proceed to knock on our door just yet. It's up to us to set the table and warm the fire for it's visit after we enrich our poverty with knowledge and battle our selfishness with humility.
Are we ready? Am I? I wanted to be. Or maybe I only hoped so. But even though there is pain, what I feel I need to do now is set my mind right for happiness' next visit. So when the time comes, I'll be waiting for it with a smile on my face and open arms.

Can't Sleep... The Church Is Too True!

Here I am. Wide awake at 12:40 in the morning. Sitting upright in my white dress shirt and tie, complete with blue suit and suspenders on my couch not wanting to go to bed. Why do you ask?... Because I don't want to stop feeling this way! My heart is racing, my stomach is bouncing, ears ringing, and bosom burning! I am bursting with emense joy from the top of my head all the way down to my Argyle dress socks. I can't sleep... because the church is too true!
Today was the 181st Semi Annual Priesthood Session for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The church that I proudly belong to and love so much. General Conference is the best ever! I like to think of it as the Mormon Super Bowl! There's the first session, the second session and the priesthood session which is like the half time show because it's the best part! Sorry ladies. If the church ever creates a Fantasy Conference League then I call President Monson as quarterback for my team! Jeffery R. Holland too. He'll play running back.
My Dad and I went to Salt Lake in the conference center for the session! It was so great! I love my Dad! That was probably my favorite moment I've ever had with my father. He was just so funny and I don't know... there! He always been a wonderful example and he's always cracked me up, but tonight he I got him all to myself! We talked, we laughed, we felt the spirit. He really is a great guy!
I'd like to share my notes I took on the session just in case you missed it.




181st General Priesthood Session
LDS Conference Center
Salt Lake City, Utah



Choir Conductor Brother Bill
SHHS Choir Director

Hymn - "Rise Up Oh Men Of God"

Hymn - "I Need Thee Every Hour"


1) Jeffery R. Holland

Satan is real
Eternally opposed against Christ

We are at war and I am a one man recruiter and get in your face a little like your sports coach. Singe your eyebrows.

Be on the team and stay on the team. Stop dribbling outta bounds.

Who ever you are and what ever you've done you can be forgiven.

More Missionaries! Enlist Now!

Personal Rev.: 2 Nephi "Rise from the dust"

"Haste to the battle. Quick to the field."

BOLD!!!



2) Keith B. McMullin

"Elder Holland, sign me up!"

Magnify your priesthood callings.

Strengthen your priesthood

Alma: "Repent and be born again"

Enjoy your youth but put away childish things.

Personal Rev.: "The natural man is an enemy of God"

"God hath not give the gift of fear but of power"



3) W. Christopher Waddlle

God knows what we need and where to go to be the best that we can be.

The Lord knows where a missionary should go.

"look the part, act the part."

Testimony of the Book of Mormon
Worthy of the Holy Ghost
Ready to work

Personal Rev.: I can feel the spirit telling me that the Lord has great works planned for me.

Hymn -"Rejoice, the Lord is King"



4) Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Self reliant and serving thy fellow man.

Love thy God and love thy neighbor.

"Do not think that this is some one else's responsibility. It is yours and it is mine. We are all enlisted."

"There's not one size fits all" for personal revelation and answers.

Personal Rev.: There are people I can reach out to who are poor spiritually and/or socially.



5) Henry B. Eyring

Am I prepared in the priesthood...

Work with all your heart, might, mind and strength.

The Lord will offer us opportunities but it depends on us if we are prepared for them.

The Lord is preparing us in every day life through every one we meet and everything we do.

Personal Rev.: The scriptures are a modern day leihona that can prepare and show the way.

Don't think about what you are or what you aren't, but what you can become through the Lord.

Oath and covenant

"Why are you sleeping?" - President Gordon B. Hinkley

God will magnify your strength and wisdom if you do all you can.



6) President Thomas S. Monson

We are brothers in the priesthood.

Moral dilemmas are not just individual and personal taste.

Personal Rev.: R rated movies...

Just because your morals maybe different than others doesn't mean you should be ashamed.

"The Navy wasn't trying to train me, they were trying to kill me!"
"I'm glad to be alive today."

Dare to be a Mormon.

"Where ever we go our priesthood goes with us. Are you standing on holy ground?"

There is a way back and the process is repentance.

Ye can not serve two masters.

Prepare your self now.

"Lady all I know about the Mormons is that they meet in that red brick building. Does any one on this bus know anything about the Mormons?"

If we may stand alone then let it be so that you may stand in the presents of the Lord.

Hold up the light for all the world to see.

Personal Rev.: I need to be the person that I know I can be and more importantly who I should be.



Hymn - "Come Ye Children of the Lord"



Personal thoughts of the session:

It seems the whole theme of the session was to remember who we are as members of the church so that we may bring others unto Christ. Almost like Mormon 101. Even in the first session of conference and with the technology we have today. It feels the Lord is wanting to expand more than ever in these latter days.

The High Five Is Back!

Look Out America! The High Five Is Comin Back!
Are you sick of the ol low five that casually turns into a fist bump like I am? Then today and all the rest here after are your luckiest days ever because low five fist bumps are over my friend!
They had a good run I'll give em that. Low Five and Fist Bump worked well together and formed a great team. But their reign is over! I remember when I first set eyes on the dynamic duo.
I was in the 7th grade and I was walking to class in the hallway of Spanish Fork Middle School and I saw this cool guy that I might have looked up to, walking up to what I considered back in middle school a "cool preppy butch dude" and they did the strangest thing. It looked like your regular high five, and yet, it was oddly different. Their hands were at waist level joining forces with a slap, then sliding back and, to my amazement, bringing it back to meet their clenched fists to one another! It was beautiful!
It caught on like wildfire! Before you knew it every one were clients of "Low Five & Fist Bump" and with something new and exciting I jumped on board to set sail with all my crew mates into the distance... But the sun never set on that journey because the legendary high five is coming back! And with a vengeance!
How did we ever phase out the awesomeness when two hands reach to the sky, jolt toward one another through the air and slap together with the sweet stinging force which God intended after something witty or cool was said between friends?! It's sheer ludicrous madness I say! So I am here to say that I am on a mission. A mission to single handedly bring back the high five! It's what the inventors of the "Hi-5" would want, and I'm gonna set it right! The stories say that it probably was two frat dudes at Notre Dame University in the 80's that slapped hands together after a super sweet keg flip... But that's just what they want you to believe...
Legend has it that God covertly sent one of his top gun angels down to the mortal world to place upon them a gift so sweet. Once the disguised heavenly being touched down on earth he wandered the surface till he found the one worthy to have this gift.
Years he searched, till one day he was at a football game, Eagles vs Giants, and he saw a man. His name is too sacred to be known in this lifetime, but the angel gazed upon his face and said "He is the one." Taking a seat next to him, he chatted with him to gain a friendly bond.
The anticipation of the game rose like a storm. The crowd suddenly gasped. Then... "Touchdown!" The arena exploded and the man and the angel cheered together as equals. Then with one quick motion the angel raised his hand in the air and looked at the man, deep into his eyes and soul. With out thinking and a warm feeling inside of him the man did the same and not knowing why, slapped the angel's hand. The slap seemed to echo through out the stadium. They stared at one another knowing that history had been changed forever and that the future would be molded by this moment. The man looked down at the felid and around him to see if any one had seen, and then he turned to the angel. But he was gone... Disappeared. And that is the legend of how the High Five came to be.
The term in the awesome office has come to an end for Low Five and Fist Bump. Now the votes are in and the people want high fives. So lets give the people what they want America! Let's bring back the High Five!
My name is Ryan Provstgaard, and I approve of this message.

What A Day!

It was my first day at my new job... Or so I thought... Let's back up a tad... To The Time Machine!
I had an interview with Progrexion, a call center law firm that repairs people's credit. I did really well in the interview. I was feeling very confident in getting the job. I did have my doubts with it in the fact that it was commission based and that isn't my cup of tea. But it's a job and a job is what I've needed.
In the interview I knew I landed it because the boss loved me. She went on to saying "I like you and I feel you'll be a good addition to Progrexion. What I'm gonna have you do is a drug test for a background check. We do it with every one we hire, and on Monday you'll come in for your training meeting then you'll be on your way." It was great hearing that I could start so easily and so soon.
So on my way I went! I proceeded to the clinic for the drug test that I was required to take for my employment (to read about my drug test experience see the post entitled "I'm So Stupid It'll Make Ya Pee Your Pants"). Now all I had to do was wait for Monday to come creeping on by so I could begin my training for my new job... Now this is where the story thickens...
5:00 am Monday morning I slowly and groggily open my eye lids from a 2 hour sleep. The night before we had a super sweet "Mission Impossible" movie marathon that went late into the night. December is too long to wait for the fourth one to open in theaters I guess. Alarm blaring and blasting through my ears and echoing in the vast, dark cavern that is my skull, I reach out and hit the snooze. Hey, I ain't perfect and I know you've done the samething too. Don't lie. You'd only be lying to your self. This continues for 15 minutes and broken up in to 5 minute increments. Again not perfect so stop judging. Finally I raise my head, and soon after my body, off the basement couch and begin my day by suiting up (yes I slept on the couch). I then drive 30 minutes to where I would be working to begin my training.
As I pull into the parking lot and walk to the door I start to have a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. I know working is good. I know it's what gives me money. But I just din't wanna do it. Humph. Sucking it up, I reached out and went for the door. Locked! Always a great sign. What's even better is that I was the only person out side the door and there was no way to get a hold of any one. Time passed and 6:00 came and went, making me late. Finally, after 13 minutes some one opened the door. I rushed upstairs to the meeting and every one was already there. The trainer walked in shortly after I and things were on the move. Just not for me...
Not 10 minuets into introductions when it was my turn the trainer gets up to say "Ya know I'm sorry but I don't know who you are. You say your name is Ryan? But I don't have a Ryan on my list."
"Really?" I ask with a crack of laughter in my voice. "Are ya kiddin me or somethin right now?" I thought it to be such a weak joke but he stood his ground.
"Are you sure you're suppose to be here? Were you even hired?" What am I six years old? Of corse I was hired! Why else did I take a drug test then drive 25 miles out of my way the next day, at 5:30 in the morning mind you, to show up to a training meeting I would only know about unless I was suppose to be there? The chance of maybe getting a job? No! At that time of the day I could be playing softball, curing cancer, or slaying teenage vampires with an identity crisis; and all from the comfort of my bed (or couch) because that's what I normally dream about when I'm ASLEEP!
I tried to explain that there must have been a mistake, or to check again because why else would I be here. But with an arrogant chuckle that hung at the end of the sentence like a hangman's noose he said "I don't know what to tell ya other than you can go home and go to sleep." The room was hushed and every one looked at me to see what I'd do.
I then jumped onto the table and charged at with all I had. Grabbing him by his stupid beard I tackled him to the ground and shouted aloud "Why Don't You Go To Sleep?! Why Don't You Go To Sleep!?" Slamming his head against the floor over and over all the while.
That is, that's what I did in my head. What I did in real life was say "Ok then I guess there's nothing I can do right now." and I got up and left... That is after I turned around, looked him dead in the eye, raise my fist in the air and shouted "I Shall Be Avenged!"

Aint Got No Shame!

I love the look I get when I answer the door to my apartment room, in my underwear with no shame. I know I should have shame, but I don't. It's almost a look like "Oh sorry I didn't know you were... busy." Of course I'm not busy! Its 6:30 in the evening and I'm in my room watching Disney's Tron Legacy. Of course you can knock on the door and ask to borrow tennis rackets that I don't even own. Oh borrow the TV you say? For a Black Ops party in the front room? What's my last name again?

Don't get me wrong I'm not a negative guy or anything, or even some one to get annoyed quick. But I will get back at you by what ever kooky thought my mind congers up. Like... Answering the door in ma Hanes! America is too great of a country to not take advantage of this fantastic right. There isn't a better feeling than the one you get in your underwear with no shame. It's so liberating and free that you'll never want it to end! But it will have to soon after the cops arrive...

I'm So Stupid It'll Make Ya Pee Your Pants!

Today was just one of those days, ya know... when your brain doesn't function! Oh never had one of those? Well then you'll love reading this post that's for sure.

To start everything off I should say I got a new job the other day. It's at a call center making outbound sales calls. I'm happy to say I nailed the interview thank you very much, but I'm not sure how I completely feel about the job it's self. I haven't really had the best experience with commision based jobs. But it is a job and a pretty good one at that. Don't worry this all fits into my story.

So in getting this job I was required to take a drug test with in 48 hours. I know what you're thinkin, crystal meth doesn't clear out of your system that fast I know I know but I haven't used in a while so I was feelin pretty confident with the whole situation. I thought "Hey pee in a cup no big deal. I gots nothin to hide. All I gots to do is drink a lot of water before hand." Quick little question for ya. You don't have to say it out loud just answer it in your head, but what is the one thing you're not suppose to do before you take a urinary drug test besides taking drugs? If ya don't know keep on readin cause it'll soon click, which unfortunately clicking was what I was lacking when I showed up to the clinic. OBGYN Clinic to be exact, what ever that means. On a side note I'm feeling mighty fresh after my visit. Although I don't think I'll ever go back there. The doc was a lil touchy.

Stepping inside the building and having a seat next to the coffee table riddled with Motherhood magazines I started to feel an urge. An urge that made me feel the need to get up from my seat and head toward the Men's facilities. My mind was blank, it was silent and it was dead set. The only small whisper inside my head was "I hope they don't call my name while I'm initiating 'Operation: Duce Drop' before 'Code: Pee In Cup." It's a wonder how I'm able to function with such a dysfunctional brain. I think Igor mixed Hans Delbrück's brain up with Abby Normal's when I was created.

My name was shortly called and I went into the room and was handed a cup with a line on it. That's when it hit me... My stock has already been shipped out! Now there's trouble in River City! My head was racing. I had no idea what to do. As I turned and walked to the bathroom I heard the nurse jabber something like "Don't flush or wash." I don't know. I wasn't paying attention because I was trying to go over all my extensive knowledge of the human body to help my self out here. As I racked my brain I came to the conclusion that there simply wasn't an episode of House that explains how to speed your urinary system up. So there I was, clueless and alone. I felt like the the drummer boy on the front lines in the Civil War in 1864. Because I wasn't just marching into a bathroom. It was a battle field, and I was out of ammo...

The door shut behind me and immediately I dove to the sink turning it on full blast with my face underneath it. Not working. I tried thinking of rivers and waterfalls. That only made me realize I spend too much time indoors. Running out of ideas I backtracked to the first one again. I guzzled down as much as I could and then waited. How time stood still in that fluorescent lit bathroom. I tried to figure out how this had happened. But didn't take very long because once that question was raised a voice in my head said "It's cause you're freaking stupid that's why." ...Then, a twinge of hope rang through out my body. It wasn't very big but it was the only sign I had, so I ran with it. It was now or never, and sweet relief was my victory!

But it was shortly met with horror when I realized it wouldn't be enough, because of the infamous black line with four dots on the cup was higher than expected and I was running short on fuel. In the end the verdict was so close that Florida had to vote again. I was shattered. I was out of ideas. I was about to throw in the towel, when suddenly it hit me. It was so perfect and so genius, and in my head the voice's criticism was silent. My body is made up of water, why can't I just fill the rest of the cup up with water from the sink till it meets par. It was so simple! Or at least I thought it was. Ya see, the voice inside my said nothing, because he stepped out for coffee! I made this rash decision alone and with out thinking of the consequences at all!

So proud of myself and amazingly clueless I walk out of the bathroom and back to the nurse as I handed the cup to her. She examined it for a second and with a disappointed look on her face she said "This is interesting. It looks like you have dirty urine." I kid you not my first thought was "Now that's a strange thing to say." How can my urine be dirty? What was she getting at? She followed by stating "It looks as though it isn't body temperature."

Again what a strange thing to say. "You can tell just by looking at it then?" I asked. She then explained to me about how the cup works. Ya see the four dots on the line change color when it meets temperature. This is for finding out weather or not some one has tampered with it at all. For example filling it up in the sink.

With a very suspicious look on her face she asks "Are you trying to hide something? Because I may have to fail you for suspicion of drug use." Needless to say I had to try it one last time and passed with flying colors... 30 minutes later that is.

Lesson to be learned: Don't take drugs kids.

The Roommate that is Garrett

I'd like to talk to you about my roommate. I mean it seems pretty fitting since really, with out him I wouldn't have this blog. I don't own my own laptop see so I had to make do with his while he's at work. So for my first post I'm going to pay tribute to the guy- Nay, the man, and his name is Garrett.
Lets go back to the time when we all wore Quicksilver and listened to Good Charlotte because we thought it was cool. I've known Garrett since sophomore year of high school when we were on the same soccer team. No we weren't "on the team." We weren't good enough to parade our "talents" for Spanish Fork High School. We were on whats called a "club" team. Which is Nebo School District's definition for "the kids that aren't good enough but shouldn't feel left out" team. To this day I can't remember what our name was. I don't even think we had one, all I know is that our uniforms were checkered red with a flaming soccer ball on the top right of the chest. We were in high school, so naturally we called ourselves "The Flamers." Yeah, that was the depth of mine and a select few's hilarity humor Spanish Fork High had to offer. Turns out the joke was on us cause we sucked somethin awful I'll tell ya. Just think about that for a moment. We, who couldn't make our high school team were playing against other people who weren't even good enough to make their own school team either! Talk about last place in yo face right thurr.
Any way, I got off subject. Garrett and I lost touch of one another after high school. Well that's putting it lightly. We lost touch after soccer and went about our lives... Until years later, in a galaxy far far away... Or to some of you Houston, Texas. Some how we managed to make the same decision to work in the security system business from a mutual "half headed" friend of ours. The die was cast, and Garrett and I became roommates. After both of us came home to Utah at separate times from Texas, and for reasons I will explain in a different post that I've decided to title "The Life and Lies in H-Town," Garrett and I still stayed roommates.
So here we are! Playing Black Ops, watching Prison Break and talking about women we don't have. Typical roommate stuff from a not so typical dude. He may yell at AT&T representatives from time to time, school me in Mortal Combat, swear at the broken lazy boy chair in his late night attempts to fix it, or even leave half drank Mountain Dew Live Wire cans on the window seal for no reason what so ever; but in simplest terms... My roommate... Is A Straight Up Balla Yo!