What A Day!

It was my first day at my new job... Or so I thought... Let's back up a tad... To The Time Machine!
I had an interview with Progrexion, a call center law firm that repairs people's credit. I did really well in the interview. I was feeling very confident in getting the job. I did have my doubts with it in the fact that it was commission based and that isn't my cup of tea. But it's a job and a job is what I've needed.
In the interview I knew I landed it because the boss loved me. She went on to saying "I like you and I feel you'll be a good addition to Progrexion. What I'm gonna have you do is a drug test for a background check. We do it with every one we hire, and on Monday you'll come in for your training meeting then you'll be on your way." It was great hearing that I could start so easily and so soon.
So on my way I went! I proceeded to the clinic for the drug test that I was required to take for my employment (to read about my drug test experience see the post entitled "I'm So Stupid It'll Make Ya Pee Your Pants"). Now all I had to do was wait for Monday to come creeping on by so I could begin my training for my new job... Now this is where the story thickens...
5:00 am Monday morning I slowly and groggily open my eye lids from a 2 hour sleep. The night before we had a super sweet "Mission Impossible" movie marathon that went late into the night. December is too long to wait for the fourth one to open in theaters I guess. Alarm blaring and blasting through my ears and echoing in the vast, dark cavern that is my skull, I reach out and hit the snooze. Hey, I ain't perfect and I know you've done the samething too. Don't lie. You'd only be lying to your self. This continues for 15 minutes and broken up in to 5 minute increments. Again not perfect so stop judging. Finally I raise my head, and soon after my body, off the basement couch and begin my day by suiting up (yes I slept on the couch). I then drive 30 minutes to where I would be working to begin my training.
As I pull into the parking lot and walk to the door I start to have a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. I know working is good. I know it's what gives me money. But I just din't wanna do it. Humph. Sucking it up, I reached out and went for the door. Locked! Always a great sign. What's even better is that I was the only person out side the door and there was no way to get a hold of any one. Time passed and 6:00 came and went, making me late. Finally, after 13 minutes some one opened the door. I rushed upstairs to the meeting and every one was already there. The trainer walked in shortly after I and things were on the move. Just not for me...
Not 10 minuets into introductions when it was my turn the trainer gets up to say "Ya know I'm sorry but I don't know who you are. You say your name is Ryan? But I don't have a Ryan on my list."
"Really?" I ask with a crack of laughter in my voice. "Are ya kiddin me or somethin right now?" I thought it to be such a weak joke but he stood his ground.
"Are you sure you're suppose to be here? Were you even hired?" What am I six years old? Of corse I was hired! Why else did I take a drug test then drive 25 miles out of my way the next day, at 5:30 in the morning mind you, to show up to a training meeting I would only know about unless I was suppose to be there? The chance of maybe getting a job? No! At that time of the day I could be playing softball, curing cancer, or slaying teenage vampires with an identity crisis; and all from the comfort of my bed (or couch) because that's what I normally dream about when I'm ASLEEP!
I tried to explain that there must have been a mistake, or to check again because why else would I be here. But with an arrogant chuckle that hung at the end of the sentence like a hangman's noose he said "I don't know what to tell ya other than you can go home and go to sleep." The room was hushed and every one looked at me to see what I'd do.
I then jumped onto the table and charged at with all I had. Grabbing him by his stupid beard I tackled him to the ground and shouted aloud "Why Don't You Go To Sleep?! Why Don't You Go To Sleep!?" Slamming his head against the floor over and over all the while.
That is, that's what I did in my head. What I did in real life was say "Ok then I guess there's nothing I can do right now." and I got up and left... That is after I turned around, looked him dead in the eye, raise my fist in the air and shouted "I Shall Be Avenged!"

Aint Got No Shame!

I love the look I get when I answer the door to my apartment room, in my underwear with no shame. I know I should have shame, but I don't. It's almost a look like "Oh sorry I didn't know you were... busy." Of course I'm not busy! Its 6:30 in the evening and I'm in my room watching Disney's Tron Legacy. Of course you can knock on the door and ask to borrow tennis rackets that I don't even own. Oh borrow the TV you say? For a Black Ops party in the front room? What's my last name again?

Don't get me wrong I'm not a negative guy or anything, or even some one to get annoyed quick. But I will get back at you by what ever kooky thought my mind congers up. Like... Answering the door in ma Hanes! America is too great of a country to not take advantage of this fantastic right. There isn't a better feeling than the one you get in your underwear with no shame. It's so liberating and free that you'll never want it to end! But it will have to soon after the cops arrive...

I'm So Stupid It'll Make Ya Pee Your Pants!

Today was just one of those days, ya know... when your brain doesn't function! Oh never had one of those? Well then you'll love reading this post that's for sure.

To start everything off I should say I got a new job the other day. It's at a call center making outbound sales calls. I'm happy to say I nailed the interview thank you very much, but I'm not sure how I completely feel about the job it's self. I haven't really had the best experience with commision based jobs. But it is a job and a pretty good one at that. Don't worry this all fits into my story.

So in getting this job I was required to take a drug test with in 48 hours. I know what you're thinkin, crystal meth doesn't clear out of your system that fast I know I know but I haven't used in a while so I was feelin pretty confident with the whole situation. I thought "Hey pee in a cup no big deal. I gots nothin to hide. All I gots to do is drink a lot of water before hand." Quick little question for ya. You don't have to say it out loud just answer it in your head, but what is the one thing you're not suppose to do before you take a urinary drug test besides taking drugs? If ya don't know keep on readin cause it'll soon click, which unfortunately clicking was what I was lacking when I showed up to the clinic. OBGYN Clinic to be exact, what ever that means. On a side note I'm feeling mighty fresh after my visit. Although I don't think I'll ever go back there. The doc was a lil touchy.

Stepping inside the building and having a seat next to the coffee table riddled with Motherhood magazines I started to feel an urge. An urge that made me feel the need to get up from my seat and head toward the Men's facilities. My mind was blank, it was silent and it was dead set. The only small whisper inside my head was "I hope they don't call my name while I'm initiating 'Operation: Duce Drop' before 'Code: Pee In Cup." It's a wonder how I'm able to function with such a dysfunctional brain. I think Igor mixed Hans Delbrück's brain up with Abby Normal's when I was created.

My name was shortly called and I went into the room and was handed a cup with a line on it. That's when it hit me... My stock has already been shipped out! Now there's trouble in River City! My head was racing. I had no idea what to do. As I turned and walked to the bathroom I heard the nurse jabber something like "Don't flush or wash." I don't know. I wasn't paying attention because I was trying to go over all my extensive knowledge of the human body to help my self out here. As I racked my brain I came to the conclusion that there simply wasn't an episode of House that explains how to speed your urinary system up. So there I was, clueless and alone. I felt like the the drummer boy on the front lines in the Civil War in 1864. Because I wasn't just marching into a bathroom. It was a battle field, and I was out of ammo...

The door shut behind me and immediately I dove to the sink turning it on full blast with my face underneath it. Not working. I tried thinking of rivers and waterfalls. That only made me realize I spend too much time indoors. Running out of ideas I backtracked to the first one again. I guzzled down as much as I could and then waited. How time stood still in that fluorescent lit bathroom. I tried to figure out how this had happened. But didn't take very long because once that question was raised a voice in my head said "It's cause you're freaking stupid that's why." ...Then, a twinge of hope rang through out my body. It wasn't very big but it was the only sign I had, so I ran with it. It was now or never, and sweet relief was my victory!

But it was shortly met with horror when I realized it wouldn't be enough, because of the infamous black line with four dots on the cup was higher than expected and I was running short on fuel. In the end the verdict was so close that Florida had to vote again. I was shattered. I was out of ideas. I was about to throw in the towel, when suddenly it hit me. It was so perfect and so genius, and in my head the voice's criticism was silent. My body is made up of water, why can't I just fill the rest of the cup up with water from the sink till it meets par. It was so simple! Or at least I thought it was. Ya see, the voice inside my said nothing, because he stepped out for coffee! I made this rash decision alone and with out thinking of the consequences at all!

So proud of myself and amazingly clueless I walk out of the bathroom and back to the nurse as I handed the cup to her. She examined it for a second and with a disappointed look on her face she said "This is interesting. It looks like you have dirty urine." I kid you not my first thought was "Now that's a strange thing to say." How can my urine be dirty? What was she getting at? She followed by stating "It looks as though it isn't body temperature."

Again what a strange thing to say. "You can tell just by looking at it then?" I asked. She then explained to me about how the cup works. Ya see the four dots on the line change color when it meets temperature. This is for finding out weather or not some one has tampered with it at all. For example filling it up in the sink.

With a very suspicious look on her face she asks "Are you trying to hide something? Because I may have to fail you for suspicion of drug use." Needless to say I had to try it one last time and passed with flying colors... 30 minutes later that is.

Lesson to be learned: Don't take drugs kids.

The Roommate that is Garrett

I'd like to talk to you about my roommate. I mean it seems pretty fitting since really, with out him I wouldn't have this blog. I don't own my own laptop see so I had to make do with his while he's at work. So for my first post I'm going to pay tribute to the guy- Nay, the man, and his name is Garrett.
Lets go back to the time when we all wore Quicksilver and listened to Good Charlotte because we thought it was cool. I've known Garrett since sophomore year of high school when we were on the same soccer team. No we weren't "on the team." We weren't good enough to parade our "talents" for Spanish Fork High School. We were on whats called a "club" team. Which is Nebo School District's definition for "the kids that aren't good enough but shouldn't feel left out" team. To this day I can't remember what our name was. I don't even think we had one, all I know is that our uniforms were checkered red with a flaming soccer ball on the top right of the chest. We were in high school, so naturally we called ourselves "The Flamers." Yeah, that was the depth of mine and a select few's hilarity humor Spanish Fork High had to offer. Turns out the joke was on us cause we sucked somethin awful I'll tell ya. Just think about that for a moment. We, who couldn't make our high school team were playing against other people who weren't even good enough to make their own school team either! Talk about last place in yo face right thurr.
Any way, I got off subject. Garrett and I lost touch of one another after high school. Well that's putting it lightly. We lost touch after soccer and went about our lives... Until years later, in a galaxy far far away... Or to some of you Houston, Texas. Some how we managed to make the same decision to work in the security system business from a mutual "half headed" friend of ours. The die was cast, and Garrett and I became roommates. After both of us came home to Utah at separate times from Texas, and for reasons I will explain in a different post that I've decided to title "The Life and Lies in H-Town," Garrett and I still stayed roommates.
So here we are! Playing Black Ops, watching Prison Break and talking about women we don't have. Typical roommate stuff from a not so typical dude. He may yell at AT&T representatives from time to time, school me in Mortal Combat, swear at the broken lazy boy chair in his late night attempts to fix it, or even leave half drank Mountain Dew Live Wire cans on the window seal for no reason what so ever; but in simplest terms... My roommate... Is A Straight Up Balla Yo!