Moving On

I shouldn't be feeling this way. I always knew that this is how it'd have to be and yet, still I feel this way. Is it because deep down I've always had a small shred of hope? Some sort of little idea of how things will or should be? Is it because of how I've surrounded my self with this dream that it's become hard to wake up from? All I know is I've been living in a world where I didn't feel the need to think things through because I was happy. Because I was protected by my own hopes and dreams. But I can't keep going on like this, hoping and dreaming. It's time to move on and open my eyes.
Moving on to the fact that maybe I could find happiness again some where. Not in the same place but on newer ground. Maybe things could have been different, but cruel as it may sound I feel like this is a lesson from mistakes passed. If the past were a bit different maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way. Maybe I could be happy and living the life I should and have always wanted.
But I fear there is much for me to learn and happiness doesn't wait for the poor and selfish. It bides it's time to make it's way to us all until we are ready for it's arrival. It may peek around the corner at us to see where we stand but doesn't proceed to knock on our door just yet. It's up to us to set the table and warm the fire for it's visit after we enrich our poverty with knowledge and battle our selfishness with humility.
Are we ready? Am I? I wanted to be. Or maybe I only hoped so. But even though there is pain, what I feel I need to do now is set my mind right for happiness' next visit. So when the time comes, I'll be waiting for it with a smile on my face and open arms.

What A Day!

It was my first day at my new job... Or so I thought... Let's back up a tad... To The Time Machine!
I had an interview with Progrexion, a call center law firm that repairs people's credit. I did really well in the interview. I was feeling very confident in getting the job. I did have my doubts with it in the fact that it was commission based and that isn't my cup of tea. But it's a job and a job is what I've needed.
In the interview I knew I landed it because the boss loved me. She went on to saying "I like you and I feel you'll be a good addition to Progrexion. What I'm gonna have you do is a drug test for a background check. We do it with every one we hire, and on Monday you'll come in for your training meeting then you'll be on your way." It was great hearing that I could start so easily and so soon.
So on my way I went! I proceeded to the clinic for the drug test that I was required to take for my employment (to read about my drug test experience see the post entitled "I'm So Stupid It'll Make Ya Pee Your Pants"). Now all I had to do was wait for Monday to come creeping on by so I could begin my training for my new job... Now this is where the story thickens...
5:00 am Monday morning I slowly and groggily open my eye lids from a 2 hour sleep. The night before we had a super sweet "Mission Impossible" movie marathon that went late into the night. December is too long to wait for the fourth one to open in theaters I guess. Alarm blaring and blasting through my ears and echoing in the vast, dark cavern that is my skull, I reach out and hit the snooze. Hey, I ain't perfect and I know you've done the samething too. Don't lie. You'd only be lying to your self. This continues for 15 minutes and broken up in to 5 minute increments. Again not perfect so stop judging. Finally I raise my head, and soon after my body, off the basement couch and begin my day by suiting up (yes I slept on the couch). I then drive 30 minutes to where I would be working to begin my training.
As I pull into the parking lot and walk to the door I start to have a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. I know working is good. I know it's what gives me money. But I just din't wanna do it. Humph. Sucking it up, I reached out and went for the door. Locked! Always a great sign. What's even better is that I was the only person out side the door and there was no way to get a hold of any one. Time passed and 6:00 came and went, making me late. Finally, after 13 minutes some one opened the door. I rushed upstairs to the meeting and every one was already there. The trainer walked in shortly after I and things were on the move. Just not for me...
Not 10 minuets into introductions when it was my turn the trainer gets up to say "Ya know I'm sorry but I don't know who you are. You say your name is Ryan? But I don't have a Ryan on my list."
"Really?" I ask with a crack of laughter in my voice. "Are ya kiddin me or somethin right now?" I thought it to be such a weak joke but he stood his ground.
"Are you sure you're suppose to be here? Were you even hired?" What am I six years old? Of corse I was hired! Why else did I take a drug test then drive 25 miles out of my way the next day, at 5:30 in the morning mind you, to show up to a training meeting I would only know about unless I was suppose to be there? The chance of maybe getting a job? No! At that time of the day I could be playing softball, curing cancer, or slaying teenage vampires with an identity crisis; and all from the comfort of my bed (or couch) because that's what I normally dream about when I'm ASLEEP!
I tried to explain that there must have been a mistake, or to check again because why else would I be here. But with an arrogant chuckle that hung at the end of the sentence like a hangman's noose he said "I don't know what to tell ya other than you can go home and go to sleep." The room was hushed and every one looked at me to see what I'd do.
I then jumped onto the table and charged at with all I had. Grabbing him by his stupid beard I tackled him to the ground and shouted aloud "Why Don't You Go To Sleep?! Why Don't You Go To Sleep!?" Slamming his head against the floor over and over all the while.
That is, that's what I did in my head. What I did in real life was say "Ok then I guess there's nothing I can do right now." and I got up and left... That is after I turned around, looked him dead in the eye, raise my fist in the air and shouted "I Shall Be Avenged!"