I'm So Stupid It'll Make Ya Pee Your Pants!

Today was just one of those days, ya know... when your brain doesn't function! Oh never had one of those? Well then you'll love reading this post that's for sure.

To start everything off I should say I got a new job the other day. It's at a call center making outbound sales calls. I'm happy to say I nailed the interview thank you very much, but I'm not sure how I completely feel about the job it's self. I haven't really had the best experience with commision based jobs. But it is a job and a pretty good one at that. Don't worry this all fits into my story.

So in getting this job I was required to take a drug test with in 48 hours. I know what you're thinkin, crystal meth doesn't clear out of your system that fast I know I know but I haven't used in a while so I was feelin pretty confident with the whole situation. I thought "Hey pee in a cup no big deal. I gots nothin to hide. All I gots to do is drink a lot of water before hand." Quick little question for ya. You don't have to say it out loud just answer it in your head, but what is the one thing you're not suppose to do before you take a urinary drug test besides taking drugs? If ya don't know keep on readin cause it'll soon click, which unfortunately clicking was what I was lacking when I showed up to the clinic. OBGYN Clinic to be exact, what ever that means. On a side note I'm feeling mighty fresh after my visit. Although I don't think I'll ever go back there. The doc was a lil touchy.

Stepping inside the building and having a seat next to the coffee table riddled with Motherhood magazines I started to feel an urge. An urge that made me feel the need to get up from my seat and head toward the Men's facilities. My mind was blank, it was silent and it was dead set. The only small whisper inside my head was "I hope they don't call my name while I'm initiating 'Operation: Duce Drop' before 'Code: Pee In Cup." It's a wonder how I'm able to function with such a dysfunctional brain. I think Igor mixed Hans Delbrück's brain up with Abby Normal's when I was created.

My name was shortly called and I went into the room and was handed a cup with a line on it. That's when it hit me... My stock has already been shipped out! Now there's trouble in River City! My head was racing. I had no idea what to do. As I turned and walked to the bathroom I heard the nurse jabber something like "Don't flush or wash." I don't know. I wasn't paying attention because I was trying to go over all my extensive knowledge of the human body to help my self out here. As I racked my brain I came to the conclusion that there simply wasn't an episode of House that explains how to speed your urinary system up. So there I was, clueless and alone. I felt like the the drummer boy on the front lines in the Civil War in 1864. Because I wasn't just marching into a bathroom. It was a battle field, and I was out of ammo...

The door shut behind me and immediately I dove to the sink turning it on full blast with my face underneath it. Not working. I tried thinking of rivers and waterfalls. That only made me realize I spend too much time indoors. Running out of ideas I backtracked to the first one again. I guzzled down as much as I could and then waited. How time stood still in that fluorescent lit bathroom. I tried to figure out how this had happened. But didn't take very long because once that question was raised a voice in my head said "It's cause you're freaking stupid that's why." ...Then, a twinge of hope rang through out my body. It wasn't very big but it was the only sign I had, so I ran with it. It was now or never, and sweet relief was my victory!

But it was shortly met with horror when I realized it wouldn't be enough, because of the infamous black line with four dots on the cup was higher than expected and I was running short on fuel. In the end the verdict was so close that Florida had to vote again. I was shattered. I was out of ideas. I was about to throw in the towel, when suddenly it hit me. It was so perfect and so genius, and in my head the voice's criticism was silent. My body is made up of water, why can't I just fill the rest of the cup up with water from the sink till it meets par. It was so simple! Or at least I thought it was. Ya see, the voice inside my said nothing, because he stepped out for coffee! I made this rash decision alone and with out thinking of the consequences at all!

So proud of myself and amazingly clueless I walk out of the bathroom and back to the nurse as I handed the cup to her. She examined it for a second and with a disappointed look on her face she said "This is interesting. It looks like you have dirty urine." I kid you not my first thought was "Now that's a strange thing to say." How can my urine be dirty? What was she getting at? She followed by stating "It looks as though it isn't body temperature."

Again what a strange thing to say. "You can tell just by looking at it then?" I asked. She then explained to me about how the cup works. Ya see the four dots on the line change color when it meets temperature. This is for finding out weather or not some one has tampered with it at all. For example filling it up in the sink.

With a very suspicious look on her face she asks "Are you trying to hide something? Because I may have to fail you for suspicion of drug use." Needless to say I had to try it one last time and passed with flying colors... 30 minutes later that is.

Lesson to be learned: Don't take drugs kids.